Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
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You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
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Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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