My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
