i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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