If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
