I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
