i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
