My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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