and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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