we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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