I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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