Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
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Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
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I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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