I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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