I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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