Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize