if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
