I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
