break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
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It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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