omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
