Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
