Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
