At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
