It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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