It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
