i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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