My liver just broke up with me...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
