Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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