Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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