actually, I'm a sock model
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
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