you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
