I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
tell me about the eggs
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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