i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
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We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
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When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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