Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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