i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
