Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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