some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
