you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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