Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
