At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
