my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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