Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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