Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
