U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
