Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
