ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So vagazzling was a success