but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.