I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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