If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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