I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
