grandma shit on top of the toilet
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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