I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
