Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
