Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
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My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
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My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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