my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
