we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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